We've just returned from a two week holiday at a camp-site in France. If you're wondering where to take your kids on holiday, you could do worse than take them camping or caravanning.
Safety
Perhaps the biggest advantage caravanning/camping has to offer is the space that is on offer for your child to play safely. They can ride bikes, play football etc. If they are old enough to go off on their bikes they have the freedom to go a bit further afield without the worry that you may feel if they did this at home.
Three Types of Parenting
My three year old is still at an age where the play-area with its climbing frames, sea-saws and sand is enough of a draw to keep him occupied for hours. Obviously, my wife or I were on hand to supervise and play with him.
It seems obvious to me that you would supervise a three year old on a play area. Not to everyone, apparently. I noticed broadly three types of parenting approach while accompanying my son to the play area. I'll share these below:
1. The 'Leave Them Alone' type
Happy to let their kids get on with it as long as they were at least three years of age.
They may have been watching from afar (this wasn't apparent) but the number of times I saw these kids get upset if they fell off something, had something of theirs snatched by another kids etc indicated they should have been closer at hand to look after them.
One kid of about five wanted me to support him as he traversed the 'monkey bars'. I didn't want some irate parent accusing me of something dodgy! I wanted them there to play with their kid!
2. The 'Let's Play On This' type
These occupy the position at the other end of the scale. They smother their kids when they play with them, directing them what to play on and what to do. It's like they have an itinerary they need to follow. "Quick get on the swing Julian, we're five minutes behind".
I've never understood this approach to playing with children. For a start, it must be shattering. Also, kids need the space to create their own games, their own imaginary world. It allows them some autonomy which helps with decision making and developing independent skills.
A few years ago, I worked as a Senior Playworker on a summer scheme, here in Salford.
(This was 2010, just prior to the Tories cutting Council funding which signalled the death of initiatives like these. A shame, as it was a lifeline for a lot of the local kids during the long Summer holidays.)
Every day, my colleague and I put up a huge teepee in Victoria Park in Swinton. Kids would then roll up and we did Arts and Crafts, played football, cricket, tennis etc with them.
We were briefed that our role was not to provide a structure to their play. It was just to let them play. If they asked us to join in or to help them with anything, we would but they weren't at school. Within reason, they could do what they want. The children were brilliantly behaved. The only person I had a problem with was one of the parents.
I was harangued by a mother of two young boys that I was spending time playing football with older lads (true, in order to make up the numbers), whilst ignoring her boys.
I pointed out that the equipment was there for them to use, there were plenty of kids already happily using it and that my colleague was overseeing the part of the site where they were.
To no avail. The lads just stared at the floor, embarrassed. I think it's a pity they needed an adult to show them how to play. Perhaps that's the fate in store for kids with overbearing parents.
They were at least seven years of age and there were younger kids organising games between themselves or attempting to build rope swings. Without the need for adult intervention. You know, the way older people point out that kids don't do any more.
3. The 'I'm Just Here' type
This was what my wife and I were aiming for. I love playing with my son but I always let him tell me what to do. Is there a kid alive who doesn't enjoy bossing adults around?
Also, we're on hand to help him or encourage him. He has to room to breathe though.
My favourite form of this something you can do when your kids are older. They play while you sit yourself down on a conveniently placed bench and read your book with the occasional glance towards the fruit of your loins. "Watch this dad!" they yell as they swing on the monkey bars. You look up respond with a paternal smile, a word of encouragement, then back to Jack Reacher. Classic holiday parenting!
So, three general types that I witnessed. I'm not claiming to be perfect. I'm no expert and I make mistakes as a parent. To me though, the approaches I've been critical of were clear-cut. Which category do you fall into? Disagree with anything? Please contribute by commenting below.
Thursday 28 August 2014
Thursday 21 August 2014
How To Cope With Being The Least Favourite Parent
My son is definitely a 'Mummy's Boy'. He's fine with me when my wife is not around. He'll play with me and he'll respond to me. He seems happy that I am his dad. We get along great. When his mum is around as well, however, it's a different story.
"Where's Mummy?"
When he asks for something, he kicks off if I go and get it. The face crumples. "I want MUMMY to get it!" he screams. Of course, we don't accept the screaming and remind him that he has to ask nicely etc, but the preference is clear.
When I go into his bedroom in the morning his face falls when he sees it is me. "Where's mummy?" he demands as if she is late for an appointment. Needless to say, if mummy goes into him first thing, he could probably get to the early afternoon before it occurred to him to ask where daddy is.
Second Best
At one time, I felt a bit aggrieved that I was clearly considered second best. Then I thought of it another way.
I know my son loves me. We're very close. We have a great time together and we make each other laugh. I experience all the joy of parenthood even though I'm not as highly rated as my wife is. In this respect, I feel like a journeyman professional footballer. He may not get international recognition, he may not get the £200 000 a week that the superstars get, but he gets to play a game he loves for a living. And he still probably earns £20 000 a week.
And he doesn't get the media scrutinising his private life. Just as I get to have more lie-ins than my wife does.
"Where's Mummy?"
When he asks for something, he kicks off if I go and get it. The face crumples. "I want MUMMY to get it!" he screams. Of course, we don't accept the screaming and remind him that he has to ask nicely etc, but the preference is clear.
When I go into his bedroom in the morning his face falls when he sees it is me. "Where's mummy?" he demands as if she is late for an appointment. Needless to say, if mummy goes into him first thing, he could probably get to the early afternoon before it occurred to him to ask where daddy is.
Second Best
At one time, I felt a bit aggrieved that I was clearly considered second best. Then I thought of it another way.
I know my son loves me. We're very close. We have a great time together and we make each other laugh. I experience all the joy of parenthood even though I'm not as highly rated as my wife is. In this respect, I feel like a journeyman professional footballer. He may not get international recognition, he may not get the £200 000 a week that the superstars get, but he gets to play a game he loves for a living. And he still probably earns £20 000 a week.
And he doesn't get the media scrutinising his private life. Just as I get to have more lie-ins than my wife does.
Friday 15 August 2014
Parenting lessons from Coronation Street
I watched Coronation Street recently. It's a show that stretches the boundaries of believability in a lot of cases but it did show up a modern day trend in parenting. Tracy is told that her daughter has been aggressive to another child and straight away she is in self-righteous "My daughter wouldn't do that" denial mode.
Shifting The Blame
I used to work as a teacher and one of the least appealing parts of the job was phoning parents when their child had done something wrong.
Occasionally, parents lent an understanding ear. They would listen to you and work with the school to show the child that they had crossed a line. Putting up a united front is the best way to help the child get the message.
In my experience though, this scenario was rare. Most of the time, parents would seek to shift the blame even in situations that were clear-cut. Where their child was the one at fault. They would blame the teacher or they would blame other children.
If the teacher has witnessed the incident, then that is what happened. They don't make stuff up.
Learning Responsibility
Refusing to acknowledge your kid's negative behaviour is bad parenting. I don't know why parents do this. Maybe they don't want to deal with the kid kicking off if he/she is disciplined. Maybe they genuinely believe their offspring is incapable of doing wrong.
I suspect it's more a reflection of today's society. From the top down, everyone seems to want to shift the blame.
However, if your child doesn't learn responsibility at a young age, they will be incapable of learning it as an adult.
Consequences
I have worked with teenagers who have been excluded from mainstream schools who seem unable to understand that actions have consequences. Already they are set on a firm path to a life devoid of hope unless they wrench themselves away from it. I believe this is because, in the majority of cases, they have come from parents who, for a variety of reasons, have not given them any discipline.
Let your child face up to their actions if they misbehave. Even if it's taking a preferred toy away until the next day.
Remember, Tracy is a convicted killer. Do you really want to take parenting lessons off this woman?
Shifting The Blame
I used to work as a teacher and one of the least appealing parts of the job was phoning parents when their child had done something wrong.
Occasionally, parents lent an understanding ear. They would listen to you and work with the school to show the child that they had crossed a line. Putting up a united front is the best way to help the child get the message.
In my experience though, this scenario was rare. Most of the time, parents would seek to shift the blame even in situations that were clear-cut. Where their child was the one at fault. They would blame the teacher or they would blame other children.
If the teacher has witnessed the incident, then that is what happened. They don't make stuff up.
Learning Responsibility
Refusing to acknowledge your kid's negative behaviour is bad parenting. I don't know why parents do this. Maybe they don't want to deal with the kid kicking off if he/she is disciplined. Maybe they genuinely believe their offspring is incapable of doing wrong.
I suspect it's more a reflection of today's society. From the top down, everyone seems to want to shift the blame.
However, if your child doesn't learn responsibility at a young age, they will be incapable of learning it as an adult.
Consequences
I have worked with teenagers who have been excluded from mainstream schools who seem unable to understand that actions have consequences. Already they are set on a firm path to a life devoid of hope unless they wrench themselves away from it. I believe this is because, in the majority of cases, they have come from parents who, for a variety of reasons, have not given them any discipline.
Let your child face up to their actions if they misbehave. Even if it's taking a preferred toy away until the next day.
Remember, Tracy is a convicted killer. Do you really want to take parenting lessons off this woman?
Friday 8 August 2014
To Yell Or Not To Yell?
Unfortunately I'm not blessed with patience. I have a short fuse and I find myself snapping at my son when he is being difficult. He doesn't always deserve it and I feel ashamed of myself.
Is Shouting Ineffective?
I believe in being firm when a child is misbehaving. Obviously, there are levels of bad behaviour and the punishment has to fit the crime. But is it okay to shout at a child? To give them the full-blown hair dryer treatment?
As a teacher, I worked at a special needs school that specified in the staff handbook that staff were not to shout at children. That it was unprofessional and ineffective.
At first, I had mixed feelings about this. Fortunately, we have moved on from the days when schools caned pupils. If a child is misbehaving though, how can you NOT raise your voice to them? What if the situation is serious as it can often be in schools nowadays?
I can imagine the incident reports: "I meekly asked Richard to stop throwing chairs at everyone..."
When Shouting Works
Overall, I would say, yes you should be able to raise your voice if your child is misbehaving. On the following provisos:
Is Shouting Ineffective?
I believe in being firm when a child is misbehaving. Obviously, there are levels of bad behaviour and the punishment has to fit the crime. But is it okay to shout at a child? To give them the full-blown hair dryer treatment?
As a teacher, I worked at a special needs school that specified in the staff handbook that staff were not to shout at children. That it was unprofessional and ineffective.
At first, I had mixed feelings about this. Fortunately, we have moved on from the days when schools caned pupils. If a child is misbehaving though, how can you NOT raise your voice to them? What if the situation is serious as it can often be in schools nowadays?
I can imagine the incident reports: "I meekly asked Richard to stop throwing chairs at everyone..."
When Shouting Works
Overall, I would say, yes you should be able to raise your voice if your child is misbehaving. On the following provisos:
- it's at an appropriate level for the misdemeanour
- you don't do it all the time as it reduces the effectiveness
- you are in control of your temper
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)